A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. See menu for the main Short Stories.


A new Church

Reading Time: 3 minutesA change a new idea. I was watching, listening, absorbing TV news while doing other things and out popped an idea. I’ll start a new Church. This idea developed while looking out over the balcony to see how far I could see. Listening to hear how much could be heard, reaching out to feel how much could be felt.

It was a very strange range of sights, sounds and feelings. After watching a furious stream of memes on Facebook and becoming disturbed. The main focus of the disturbance was the frightening possibility that I’m wrong. How can I have been wrong when I’ve been right all my life?

There was no reply

No-one answered this sparkling revelation, there was no-one there. The TV didn’t speak back. The computer didn’t, the washing machine likewise. Only one thing that did try to communicate was the new Budgie, called Beak. It (gender unknown) was trying to settle into the new surroundings but didn’t speak much. I don’t understand Budgie.

What I did understand was the choice I had to make. Realign my opinions. I’ll be a Christian as that seemed to have the the highest growth at the moment despite its recent decline. Go onto develop a posture in ultra conservative politics. I’ll radicalise and reverse my tolerant views. I’ve no qualifications or credibility but that didn’t seem to stop those on TV.

My name is Simon I say and I say I’ll set up a new Church. It will “The Crusade” and become a non profit. I’ll write a new manifesto. Not the old one This will be an altered manifesto. It will shone with Christian, ultra conservative moral, social and political views. It would be needed like air for a drowning man.

Likely to be a hit

The Crusade will make so much money and spread so much bile. In my previous life and way of thinking, would be obscene. We’ll have to hire a dizzy blonde to pretend to care and be happy with 25% commission. This young woman will be the fill in and the gloss next to the decrepit old bugger that I’ve become. She’d will have to have work done. Have bigger breasts and adjusted eye brows, lips, ears, nose and mouth. This vision of loveliness will need to be well spoken. She will also have a very annoying Southern American accent.

Designed to terrify, annoy and taunt the nasty self righteous lefty atheists. By default “The Crusade” employees and volunteers will be victims. They will be worthy of moral and financial support from the worlds most gullible.

Well spoken

I’ll be keenly groomed, dressed and sober. Offer no outward signs of drunkenness. No male prostitutes in motel rooms, no orgies with 24 other well tanned young folks. No, none of that, not what the others do.

I will have to be a beacon of Godliness and speak in tongues providing guidance to those straying off the path. Yes, I’ll also book the bands that play at the Church 9 times a week. Tithing would become my soul purpose in life, while saving their souls.

The fortune would be guaranteed. After 5 years I’ll return to a platform of common decency. A clear understanding of basic scientific conclusions. Invite my fellow humans to share the planet and with this money begin to save the planet. Topics demanding our focus. The Environment, Education, Health Care. The main ticket items. My new life as a corrupt, manipulative, conservative, evangelist scumbag would work against. The world has a chance, if only it got another one. The Crusade, a new Church will save the planet.

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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