A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. See menu for the main Short Stories.


A Nothing Day

Reading Time: 5 minutesEvery Thursday it’s the same. A nothing day, the same nothing that defies nothing, no really, just nothing. Ally couldn’t think past the morning’s normal routine, getting up, getting to the toilet, getting herself fed and dressed. Even though she is a killer she had to wait for the complete knob jockey that picked her up on Thursday mornings. These Thursdays were a real pain in the arse. Could be worse, but that seemed very hard to imagine as she stood on her driveway waiting for knob head.

His name was actually Ralph, but he was such a dick he didn’t mind everyone calling him anything other than Ralph. Ally saw him rolling around the corner and smiled back at him as he circled within the cul-de-sac. The neighbours had got used to his erratic driving and weren’t the least bit concerned as he always managed to misjudge his turning circle and nearly wipe out their garden bed each fucking Thursday morning – knob head is just the starting point.

So another nothing day

A day with another horticultural emergency narrowly avoided, Ally and dickwad hurtled off out into the peak hour traffic. Ally sat back and wondered what sort of a day it would be at the Marks Party Hire and Hairdressing Salon ? Her latest target worked there as a shop assistant and hairdresser when required. Carol had talents but neither assisting in a shop nor cutting hair featured among them.

Carol was a scussed out drug addict hiding in witness protection. Ally’s contract was very clear, once she survived knob head’s driving, it was one quick, clean kill. Make it look gruesome, obvious and without witnesses, well live ones at least, they’d be dead if they witnessed the deed. A message had to be sent, so make it like a carefully crafted zombie kill.

Ally was very good at killing people

None of this Hollywood, “I Spy” training shit, she was just plain ruthless, deftly quick, could blend in very easily and very unassuming. This trait of blending in ended up providing her nickname – Who. Her work colleagues even added Dr to that sometimes but only when they’d got tired of wanging over the knob jockey.

Now Ralph was no slouch in the killing department either. He was loud, very obvious and incredibly memorable. This lead to him also mastering the art of disguise. Today Ralph was going to be a little old lady wheeling a zimmer frame, or at least the latest version of those things. This yellow one had brakes, a seat, lights and a drink holder. Ralph and also fitted a shotgun holder which looked like it should store an umbrella. There wasn’t any rain scheduled in today’s inaccurate weather forecast. It would rain death though, death upon poor old drugged up Carol and anyone who got in the way.


Ralph was there to ensure that all went well, as Ally had a hair appointment with the hapless Carol and so when the cutting finished, the mowing down would commence, Ally had to make an exit required of a catholic school boy, smooth, clean and in most cases very very quick. Ralph parked the car and they both waited for Ally’s appointment time.

“What are you doing after … Who ?”

“Well I’ve got to shop for a new television and a home theatre system to match. I’m thinking of going over to Robert’s Homeware, could you drop me off there after this ?”

“Sure, I might look in myself, it’s my freaking toaster again. This time it’s completely shat itself and I threw it out in disgust. It was only four months old.”

Well you only paid $7.00 for it what do you expect ?

“Yeah Ok, i’ll look a bit harder this time, maybe ask for some help.”

Ally moaned on this nothing day

She saw that her hair cut time had arrived. Off she went ready for anything. She did think this was going be alright, even though she knew Carol was a crap hairdresser at least the shampoo and massage would be good. Ally had decided that as the towelling down finished and they both stood to go back around the corner to the main cutting area, she’d pierce Carol’s neck with the ice pick and rest her against the bowl before she fell.

By placing a towel over her head and neck would disguise the heavy blood flow, the passing of ravaged Carol and of course her testimony. Ralph was at the front of the shop haggling over a shopper docket and generally just waiting to ensure Ally’s safe passage out of the store.

Things went very well, just as Ally had thought and they both made it out and back to the car. Despite crap face nearly running over a wild shopping trolley they were well down the road before the first garnished screams bellowed out from Marks Party Hire and Hairdressing Salon.

“So what sort of TV do you want to get ?”

“A Samsung I think, a Smart TV with all the bells and whistles … and you ?”

“Oh as you said, I’ll keep an open mind and ask some advice from the guy at the store.”

Knob jockey babbled on all day

He rattled on for at least ten minutes about his toaster before they’d arrived at the Home Centre. Ally couldn’t wait to be free of Ralph but he wasn’t really that bad, just bad. Ally got to the TV section just in time to catch a breaking news story “Brutal Murder at Marks Party Hire and Hairdressing Salon” and she was watching live pictures from the scene.

“Oh dear she mumbled to herself, come on I want some help here.”

Pity though, as the sales and security team were delayed and watching this breaking news. They were fascinated to see CCTV footage of the women responsible for this attack, not knowing that in fact she was standing at the Samsung display just four feet away and and watching the same broadcast. Ninety-eight screens of various sizes were beaming her satisfied smiling face all over the store.

A good head shot of her at the front counter, at the shampoo area and a gloriously ghoulish close up of the ice pick picking its way into Carol’s neck.

Old Ralph the rambling knob head also happened to see the 400 feet wall of TVs showing Ally’s face. He was a true professional and concluded his toaster purchase before leaving the store. Ally was at the car and in a terrible state. Quick, clean and messy was the plan. Not to be seen is the most important part of the Who style, this vital aspect had gone terribly wrong.

WTF had happened on a nothing day

The office said there was no CCTV at the Marks Party Hire and Hairdressing Salon. Someone is going to have to pay for this screw up.”

“Not to worry, you can get a haircut and change your appearance. And anyway she’s dead, it was messy and I got my new toaster. I’ll drop you off at home.”

“Did you manage to buy a TV ?”

“Well, no, it would have brought too much attention don’t you think.”

“Shit you’re thick at times knob gobbler, just get me home.”

The trip home was uneventful and aside from the full blown TV coverage of her day’s work, just another nothing day.

 | Website

I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

You might be interested in …


Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x