A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. See menu for the main Short Stories.


There is no fool like an old fool

Reading Time: 3 minutesHere sat two old fools, two old farts sitting at a bus stop on a glorious, but unusually freezing morning, in a North Queensland winter. They sit there together waiting for a bus, well they think they are. There is no fool like an old fool.

“Hello Bill, how you doing?” … asked Paul.

“Well not bad aside from the odd aches and pains” … Bill mumbled back.

“How long have you been sitting here for?”

“Well, the same as you-you old duffer, we walked here together remember.”

“Oh yes, I’m losing the plot a bit lately.”

“Why is that ? are you still drinking?”

“No, not for about an hour now.”

“No, I mean in general, are you still on the piss? You’re always drinking too much and that full strength beer always knocks you for six.”

Yes it goes on

“How long have you been here?”

“Shit Paul are you still pissed, we covered that already.” Bill always had to repeat the conversation.

“Oh yes, where’s the bus – I’m freezing my tits off here and where are we going anyway?”

“Well you silly bugger, we’re going into town to have breakfast. But we have to call into see Alice at Apartment 2204 on the way.”

“Oh yes that’s right, what are we going to have for breakfast?”

“Bacon and eggs and coffee.”

“Right, why are we waiting? … where’s the bus?”

“Don’t know, it’s running very late this morning.”

“Can I get a quick wee in before it gets here you think?”

“Sure off you go, just don’t point your bit at the walkway there, we got a stern talking to the last time you did that.”

“No problems, I’ll point it over here … Frank, why is that woman looking a us?”

“Well, probably because you have your bits in your hands and you’re waving them at her bags.”

“Oh, well I’ll point it over here then, oh hang on I can’t do that there’s already a puddle of water here and I’ll splash your shoes …. don’t matter it’s too late I’ve just wee’d my pants … Dammit.”

“They won’t let us on the bus now you idiot and that woman is on the phone. She’s probably calling the Police?”

“Well it wouldn’t be the first time now would it.”

“Hey look the police are coming down now. Gee that was quick.”

Just waiting

It turns out that Paul and his slightly more sensible, alert, lucid friend were in fact sitting in the “Summer Springs Eternal” swimming pool change rooms. This was in fact the ladies change room and it was becoming unsteadily occupied by the senior rickety ladies who had just completed their aqua aerobics class.

The ladies had climbed out of the pool with some difficulty and stumbled into this ladies change room. They each found these two old men sitting on a bench. It was a new experience every time it happened. Day after day actually.

The good looking one had his bits in hands and was waving it about. He also looked like he’d just climbed out of the pool. It was a normal event though and security came and took them away. They did keep banging on about catching a bus, not the security guys, but the old guys. The old fools.

No Fool, no it’s me

This ridiculous exchange is more than likely to be my life in a number of years. What a thing to look forward to. Waiting with another old coot, at a seat wondering what, why and when or even “if” I’m there at all. I figure as long as I have my iTunes, plenty of cigarettes (when I smoked this was a major requirement), a computer and cable tv, I’ll be ready for action in a retirement home. I’ll be there in the room next door to the very naughty Frank.

From what I’ve seen they’re great and clean. I’ll be well fed, have my ablutions well cared for and my failing health well monitored, what could be wrong with that. Well, plenty I suppose.

The most frightening part is that I might be like Paul, oblivious to all that’s going on around me. I’ll have a hangover, wet pants and be stranded at a bus stop, hopefully with some friends and a dog. But there won’t be any buses coming. I’ll be the first to agree, there is no fool like an old fool.

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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