Reading Time: 3 minutesThis was posted on behalf of an imaginary friend Warren who created and then closed a personal site blogofwarren.com. It was an outpouring of his deepest held beliefs and thoughts. He hoped you consider it a draft of literary masterpiece’ry. Sadly the first or third person and/or tense got too confusing, so he closed it down. The most popular and outrageously revealing post was: “This may be the truth about Warren”
And this is the post
I can’t even think why I would give a flying fuck, a rat’s prostate or even just plain old care. The aim of maintaining some sort of emotional restraint, a calm, adult public face. Well, fuck that, I fucked up and I’ll cuss as much as I feel is necessary. I’ll write post.
My life and mind is racing about like a reproductively possessed fish running upstream, a bear swipe away from being prey. Lunch caught in an opportunistic swipe as it leaps out of the water. Desperately focused on getting to the rocky place for spawning. A place for fish fertilisation, birth, death and dispersal. Indeed a cycle of life, going on in that stream, all before lunch.
Just here reflecting on the week that was, what a week. A week that would have snapped a well formed crap out of any sane human being. An exposure of embarrassment, mistakes, damaged pride and deadlines that suddenly appeared and then appeared to be readjusted as I dealt with the original time frames. I was terribly all over the place. The fish analogy was correct, except there was no stream, no bear, no fertilisation, no death but plenty of eggs. After all I’m trying to undo the drastic muscle loss my change of diet has caused. Eggs seemed to be the ticket.
Just recently I returned to walking around and about and had frequently jumped aboard the bicycle thing in the building’s gym. It was 5 minutes reasonably flat out, while upright in a sitting position, racing to the end of the 5 minutes with an outrageous expenditure of effort. The bike stayed where it was but I was moved. Well, that’s how I thought of it and it did work. I was shattered after such excursion.
Muscle loss
It was most obvious when I showered. When I have the frightening view of my moist hairy body. Rather than glisten, it seemed to absorb light. I just look like a praying mantis. A huge head and spindly, thin boney extremities that seemed to repel water from their slimy surfaces. I sure have some hair about the place and the length of it on my head was most luxurious but it still had decided to leave the ever diminishing body. The entire unit was becoming a bird’s nest supply shop. The hair brush had that much excess hair it looked and felt like a rabbit’s bum.
I wandered about this hair ladened apartment 2204 and wondered about Monday morning, could I face the shit that seems to have been created. Well, yes. No worse than any other Monday, muscle and hair loss aside, I have obligations and turning up was one of them. I also had protein to consume, those eggs, balls and shakes can’t buy and pay for themselves. I’m forced to work to pay for this lifestyle change.
The weight loss
Really good in a way, but I’m fading away into an old man with a soft hairy brush, with no guns, forearms or thighs to speak of. Even my eyelids are dropping weight.
All of this is for your consideration dear reader, an example of truth exaggeration, truth extended, truth denied, truth ignored or just what is often described as the opposite of truth – lies. Like the rest of one’s life it appears to be true through one or two lights of perspective, but we’ll keep the legend to oneself. There will not be a glossary, dictionary or even a second opinion. This may be the truth about Warren.
Warren published with pride, although it was unclear if anyone actually read it. It’s closed.
An increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024
