A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

A blind date

Reading Time: 3 minutesToday provided one of the most side splitting giggles I ever had in my day job, it’s all a shame really because I can’t tell you anything. What I do is secret. I can’t tell you, but I can hint. Shit, no I can’t, I’ve  just contained myself as I realised that it will come back to haunt me and the job if I do. I’ll forget that fun and regale you with another major character building moment, it was a blind date.

It was a date from that place that atheists don’t believe in, hell. The deal was, that a close mate had his evil “single minded” eyes on a beautiful and sensible young lady, with a figure to cause you to write to the figure department, praising them on their work. Her eyes were that good they belonged in a jar.


This plan was one of these “early day” schemes and it was decided, not by me I might say, I was dragged kicking and screaming, into a double date, mine blind, his eyes wide open. His was worthy of having your eyes open for, while mine dear reader was slightly different.

This vision of ugliness that I was about to encounter, was a so called room mate of the Miss Loveliness in a convent style, young girls version of the YMCA, but with a tremendously strong religious overtone. In fact no overtone really, it was dripping off the walls.

You walked into to a tiled toilet like vestibule, I’m told that’s what they’re called and you are compromised in your improper intentions by a 12 foot, blood wound damaged full colour statue of Jesus and he was staring at me, eyes following me as I walked around the echo laden toilet room.

Well, this frightening welcome was only a delicate precursor to the main event, I mean shit it was main alright, it was so freak’n main it was life changing. The doors of the elevator, I don’t know how many floors up or down the thing went, but I thought that maybe the striking beauty came from above, while my gargoyle of a partner came from below.

No Photos

The trouble with writing this down, is the fact that I don’t have any photos, have you seen “Throw Momma from the train”, well momma, if you think that, but only 180 kilos heavier, with extreme stunt makeup, her hair a bushel of prickles and her skin the poster child for the pro active ads before shots.

Now less you think I’m very cruel, I can’t possibly find enough words in the English language to describe just how horrific this entry, first meeting and would you believe cheek kiss was, it was such a shock even I was speechless. As we walked outside I was following along behind looking at this slab of womanhood that was so dominating the footpath, she actually pushed the three of us off into the road as we headed to the pub, so we all ended up dragging our carcasses along in the trail of this vision of blind dates.

By the way, my mate and his “suddenly new” girlfriend were smirking at me big time while enjoying my psychical reaction.  So dear reader, where had the girls decided to go, only to my favourite pub, where I knew everybody while trying to be extra friendly with most. An adequately active single man. Of course my level of terror increased no end, when I discovered our destination. How could I live this down, walking in with my new date into my own comfortable relaxation area.


When we decided to find a table at the back, in the dark, we were harangued by the ever so friendly young lady who regaled us with lurid tales of her fighting, arrests and public drunkenness. We all laughed of course but it was like going out with your grandmother’s best friend and learning about her indiscretions, although my grandmother looked nothing like this failed pavlova disaster, with or without fruit.

So, what happened I hear you moan, as we get to the end, well you deviate, nothing. We had the earliest night we’d ever had in our life, walked the dates home to the Nuns and their gratuitous figurines, paintings and squeaky tiles and then escaped to another pub to talk about this titillating evening. It was so titillating we were both tittered out, oh and by the way, my blind date could be found in the dark at that back table, as she smelt of old cabbage and after shave, a more romantic mix I’ve never smelt before or since. Thank goodness and no, we never saw her again.

Website | + posts

I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

You might be interested in …

Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
11/02/2011 16:05

yes jewell, i went there twice, that’s why i’m getting a big belly 😉

Lady Estrogen
11/02/2011 08:00

OMG – I still think of that crazy woman in that stupid movie when I hear someone say, “Nincompoop!” lol

11/02/2011 08:08
Reply to  Lady Estrogen

get them !!! 😉

11/02/2011 05:32

Oh my – what can I say? What a travesty!

11/02/2011 08:07
Reply to  Anna

thanks anna .. and there was some tapestry as well

11/02/2011 01:44

You did the honorable thing: and got the hell out of that pub as fast as you could. You sure you didn’t run her home, instead of just walk? You guys deserved some serious ‘de-briefing’ time at the pub.

11/02/2011 08:06
Reply to  Hansi

thank you hansi .. may you speak from experience ?

charlie sadler
11/02/2011 00:19

Oh the joys of dating… but a mere drunken memory now… alcohol is a wonderful thing but even its sweet numbing caress did not lead you astray, well done

11/02/2011 08:05
Reply to  charlie sadler

numbing caress .. wonderful, i think it was more like dumbing carcass .. ;(

10/02/2011 23:32

So another blind date?

11/02/2011 07:55
Reply to  Yogasavy

funny enough savy, no .. never again, that evening could not be toped, so it wasn’t 😉

10/02/2011 21:48

Good lord that was ghastly and I was stuck on your date as an exact copy of momma in throw momma off the train… Nothing happened… I loved the perfect eyes in a jar description though…Maybe an equally scary thought. 🙂

10/02/2011 21:52
Reply to  ElizOF

scary yes .. clean and preserved yes .. cheers elizof 😉

10/02/2011 20:16

Have you got her number?

Cheers A

10/02/2011 20:18
Reply to  Alejandro

555 666 – it’s always answered after just three rings 😉

10/02/2011 20:30
Reply to  tbaoo

Thanks, I hope she’s available this weekend

10/02/2011 21:51
Reply to  Alejandro

all day everyday .. you decide

10/02/2011 19:18

You’re so cruel, that’s someone’s daughter…
Glad it was you , not me.

10/02/2011 19:26
Reply to  Jim

thanks jim, it’s hard to be real to the truth and not be cruel 😉

10/02/2011 19:27
Reply to  Jim

that chick from the goonies used to freak me out! still does actually! well, did, i think she passed away 5-7 years ago..

random comment, I know 🙂

10/02/2011 19:28
Reply to  Tork

fyi – if it is too random to understand, the picture of the old lady is from the goonies! 😉

10/02/2011 19:32
Reply to  Tork

cheers tork, yes that’s momma and the goonies lady .. 😉

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x