A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

I am an idiot with some dad jokes

Reading Time: 2 minutesWell, dear reader, today I’ve been banging away on my lovely iMac, learning how to use my newly installed lion system and discovering that I don’t know what I’m doing. This tremendously alarming detail might not come as much of a surprise to those I work with in my secret day job, but alas, it comes as a shock to me today. I am an optimistic idiot with some dad jokes.

The reason for this realisation, is that I have some homework to do and I don’t have the slightest idea as to what it is I’m supposed to do. I looked at the word documents at work, readied myself, thought I knew, but today of course I’m scratching my bits trying to figure it out.

So what have I done, well what I normally do, make shit up, skirt around the problem and come up with an answer that may be correct, or most likely reveal that I have no idea. So here are some gags.

  • What do you call a deer with no eyes – no eye deer
  • What do you call the same deer, but with no legs – still no eye deer
  • What do you call the same deer, with no legs, no eyes, whilst missing out on mating with his life partner – still no fucking eye deer

Oops, I got distracted there, that happens when I do homework, I get distracted, in fact me doing this post is a distraction from the task at hand. I have three (3) pages of nonsense that’ll either get a giggle at work, claims of sheer genius or complete ridicule, well I’ll just have to wait and see. More gags

  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to a wall? – Art
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? – Bob
  • What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg? – Eileen
  • What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs propped up against a wall? – Noleen
  • What do you call a Japanese woman with no arms and no legs, up against a wall? – Irene

Sorry to you if you are: a woman or man with no arms or legs, a deer or Japanese.

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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01/08/2011 04:11

I just love your blog!!

01/08/2011 06:35
Reply to  Zach

cheers zach, and i think as well – welcome aboard .. 😉

31/07/2011 16:56

Funny stuff.:)

01/08/2011 06:35
Reply to  jan

thanks jan .. 🙂

31/07/2011 05:08

so what have i done, well what i normally do, make shit up, skirt around the problem and come up with an answer that may be correct, – love it!!

It reminds me of a time with my old boss, (we were close) one day he handed me a stack of contracts told me to combine various parts of each contract to make a new one.

I must have given him a “clueless look” because he looked up from this monitor, and said “hell deb, if you don’t understand just tip toe around it, make it work and if you are still clueless, just fake it”

I about died laughing even with him and I being close friends I still had that level of assistant /boss respect, it seemed odd hearing your boss say something like that. After that I finally picked up on his “faking it and tip toeing around things”

31/07/2011 08:33
Reply to  Debbie

fantastic advice .. thanks debbie, it’s a great way to look at the problem .. 😉

Bec Owen
31/07/2011 02:26

Hehehe! You’re very kind to share your distraction with us…so we can share the smiles! Thanks 🙂

31/07/2011 08:31
Reply to  Bec Owen

sharing is my middle name, well only one of them, the other is fool .. 😉

Dangerous Linda
31/07/2011 01:14

Thanks for the chuckle! Have a GREAT weekend 😉

31/07/2011 08:31

thanks linda – are you on twitter yet ? -;)

31/07/2011 00:33

I call a deer with no legs and no eyes ‘dinner’

31/07/2011 08:30
Reply to  Anna

oh goodness .. hope you don’t call it late 😉

30/07/2011 23:05

“noleen”…oh my!

I am laughing out loud! thanks for the laugh 🙂

31/07/2011 08:29
Reply to  Amy

cheers amy .. 🙂

30/07/2011 22:31


Good luck with that at work.

31/07/2011 08:29
Reply to  Adriene

thanks adriene .. luck is what i need and more often than not, thrive on .. 😉

30/07/2011 22:06

Scratching your bits, inspirational 😉

31/07/2011 08:28
Reply to  baldychaz

i’m only a humble servant charles .. off you go now and scratch yours ..:)

30/07/2011 21:12

Deer me! I’m going to get legless methinks.. hehe

Cheers A

31/07/2011 08:28
Reply to  Alejandro

it’s a description that could stick .. cheers mr ajg 😉

Jessica Brant
30/07/2011 16:52


You have me cracking up….
thank you for the laugh…..
I needed it… much like I need to get laid….
but that’s for another day…

30/07/2011 16:57
Reply to  Jessica Brant

very much a pleasure jessica, hopefully the same 10 fold when you get what you need ..;)

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