A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

More old gags

Reading Time: 5 minutesI’m getting very handy today so I thought I’d post away while the feeling remains. These old gags below are from my old Triumph Bonneville America site. Please don’t blame me, I didn’t write them, I just promote them.

A Bad Day

Don’t take a bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON’T know. Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?”

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re an asshole” and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word asshole,” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and I’d yell, “You’re an asshole!” It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and when I heard his voice…

“Hello?” I made up a name. “Hi, I’m with the Telephone Company and I’m just calling to see if you’d be interested in our caller ID program ? ”

“No” … he shouted and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole”

Keep reading this, it gets better.

Some time later I was looking for a parking spot at the shopping centre. An old lady really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

“Great” … I thought, she’s finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW flies up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, “You can’t do that I was here first”. The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if I didn’t even exist. I thought to myself, “This guy’s another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world.” Then, I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling my “You’re an asshole” man, It’s really easy since I have his number on speed dial now. I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.”

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale ? ”

“Yes, it is”

“Can you tell me where I can see it ? ”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front”

I said, “What’s your name ? ”

“My name is Don Hansen”

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don ? ”

“I’m home in the evenings”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something ? ”


“Don, you’re an asshole!” And I slammed the phone down.

Then, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialler. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now, when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution:

First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1.

A man answered nicely, “Hello”

I yelled, “You’re an asshole!” but I didn’t hang up.

The asshole said, “Are you still there ? ”

I said, “Yeah”

He said, “Stop calling me”

I said, “Make me”

He said, “What’s your name, pal ? ”

So I told him, “Don Hansen”

He said, “Where do you live ? ”

“1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black BMW is parked out front.”

“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers”

“Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole” and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

Don Hansen answered, “Hello”

I said, “Hello, asshole”

He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what ? ”

“I’ll kick your ass.”

“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now, asshole.” And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there, and a quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war taking place at West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction, watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

The most powerful word

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit , horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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KK Sierra
KK Sierra
30/09/2011 05:29

That. Was. Awesome!!!!! 😀

30/09/2011 06:39
Reply to  KK Sierra

cheers kk, 🙂

Lady Estrogen
07/02/2011 05:57

That’s hilarious. I wish I had done something like that to our neighbor before we moved.

07/02/2011 05:59
Reply to  Lady Estrogen

thanks lady e, i can think of a few times it would have come in handy .. 😉

Mary Hudak-Collins
07/02/2011 04:11

That was commical:) How do people come up with this? What an imagination.

Mary Hudak-Collins
07/02/2011 04:12

sorry, that should have been comical.

07/02/2011 05:58

they obviously have a very twisted mind .. to to hear about though 🙂

07/02/2011 01:20

Loved it…You certainly have your ‘people skills’ down pat. Hope you don’t do with your e-mails lists, what ya did with speed dial.
That was a lot of shit about shit. You didn’t add the phrase “jump in your shit”. Here’s the coincidence, and I shit you not, I just worked up future post on “jump in you shit”. Great mind think about the same shit:)

07/02/2011 05:57
Reply to  Hansi

coincidence is such an amazing thing .. look i said that without using the shit word .. cheers hansi – i look forward to reading it

07/02/2011 00:39

Funny stuff there! I like to toy with sales people that call. I have made more than one cry 🙂

Good post.

07/02/2011 05:53
Reply to  Ron

you’re a cruel man ron ..;)

06/02/2011 16:10

thanks paul – although that’s very spooky timing, i was just reading about your “mugging” … 😉

Paul Field
06/02/2011 16:07

LOL, this is classically funny!

30/09/2011 06:39
Reply to  Paul Field

thanks paul 🙂

06/02/2011 12:51

Oh shit what a nerve… How I wish I could do that to the assholes I’ve encountered.

Shit ay!

06/02/2011 12:54
Reply to  Alejandro

tis amazing ain’t it 😉

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