A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

Some jokes

Reading Time: 3 minutesBack when I owned my beautiful “Triumph Bonneville America” motorcycle, with the personalised registration number tbaoo – (ah, I see now, you can state with authority ) I ran a website for those interested in the bike. It soon developed into a site providing some jokes, some rude pics and silly nonsense. It has sat dormant for some time now.

I will post some of the silly jokes from the old site. Yes, they are old now, like me, but will hopefully provide some levity in a grey world – politically correct, probably not, funny, well you’ll have to decide. The site was a result of the Delphi Forum phenomenon, I started the Triumph Bonneville America site on Delphi forums after joining the standard bonny page.

Soon after that the tremendous www.bonnevilleamerica.com site was started (not by me) and still remains an incredibly valuable resource for those owners, or prospective owners, wishing to discuss their bikes.

So enough of the serious, let’s get inappropriate …

This is why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small Texas town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand – a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?  She responded …..

“Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”  She again replied,

“Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the court room to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt.

Having a bad day ?

There was a case in one hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery … as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11… Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

More Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Still think you’re having a bad day too?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. 

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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08/11/2010 05:07

the delphi forum still has my intro on the front page, wow that's fantastic !!

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