Reading Time: 3 minutesIt’s time for some old jokes from the old site, it’s a slow day, relaxing but slow. A bit like the Local Government situation here in my part of the world. Oh well, it’s only going to get better.
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You’re in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: You give the “birds and bees:” talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you
Stress Management
Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world”.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater.
8. See! You’re smiling already!
Do you own a Goldfish
Two builders, Chris and James are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris – I reckon he’s an accountant.
James – No way – he’s a stockbroker.
Chris – he aint a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris – S’cuse me mate. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris – Oh! What’s that then?
Suit – I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris – Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?
Chris – It’s in a pond!
Suit – Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
Suit – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are probably married?
Chris – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris – Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris – Never.
Suit – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Chris – How’s that then?
Suit – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!
Chris – I see! That’s pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!
James – What’s that then?
Chris – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James – Nope.
Chris – Well then, you’re a wanker.
An increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024
Tbaoo – that was hilarious!!! Loved the last joke (hooker). I am still laughing thinking about it – LOL
cheers kriti .. 🙂
Loved the Goldfish joke! Thanks for the great start to my day.
it’s an absolute pleasure kara .. 😉
Laughed my frickin’ ass off (there’s got to be a simpler way of writing that); but that’s what I actually did, even though my ass wasn’t frickin’ at the time {I’m not a wanker!!!). Being a dumb American, could ya please tell me what a “Wanker” is. I have a vague idea, but just want to check to see if my mind is as dirty, or dirtier, than yours.
yes hansi .. it is a slang term for self pleasuring and is a great insult used in all sorts of situations .. the “orange man” leader of your house of reps is a wanker for example .. cheers
I like it! This is something unique from you Alan… and I’m impressed! The photo is stunning too…. Buy I’m intrigued with that photo at your sidebar~~~~> there~~~~> that one with that big boobs…. mwahahahah…. It is distracting me…LOL
a kiss back to you in gratitude jorie .. big cheers as well .. 😉
Oh my [insert supernatural being or other entity here based upon your religious beliefs] !
these are crazy. lol.
your etc – is now aware of your joy, so am i – thanks
Very good. Made me smile this morning.
thanks marty .. 😉
LMAO!! Definitely needed that to end my night:) Thanks!
cheers mary .. i try to help put you my dear reader, at rest before bed .. 🙂
Funny stuff… I have no Goldfish. oops gave it away.
Thanks A
i can’t say anything, neither do i … 😉