A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

Some old jokes

Reading Time: 3 minutesIt’s time for some old jokes from the old site, it’s a slow day, relaxing but slow. A bit like the Local Government situation here in my part of the world. Oh well, it’s only going to get better.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You’re in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the “birds and bees:” talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you

Stress Management

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world”.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater.

8. See! You’re smiling already!

Do you own a Goldfish

Two builders, Chris and James are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris – I reckon he’s an accountant.
James – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

Chris – he aint a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris – S’cuse me mate. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris – Oh! What’s that then?
Suit – I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris – Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Chris – It’s in a pond!
Suit – Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
Suit – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are probably married?
Chris – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris – Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris – Never.

Suit – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Chris – How’s that then?

Suit – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!
Chris – I see! That’s pretty impressive, thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!
James – What’s that then?

Chris – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James – Nope.
Chris – Well then, you’re a wanker.

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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03/04/2011 13:02

Tbaoo – that was hilarious!!! Loved the last joke (hooker). I am still laughing thinking about it – LOL

03/04/2011 15:06
Reply to  kriti

cheers kriti .. 🙂

02/04/2011 23:37

Loved the Goldfish joke! Thanks for the great start to my day.

03/04/2011 07:42
Reply to  Kara

it’s an absolute pleasure kara .. 😉

02/04/2011 23:36

Laughed my frickin’ ass off (there’s got to be a simpler way of writing that); but that’s what I actually did, even though my ass wasn’t frickin’ at the time {I’m not a wanker!!!). Being a dumb American, could ya please tell me what a “Wanker” is. I have a vague idea, but just want to check to see if my mind is as dirty, or dirtier, than yours.

03/04/2011 07:41
Reply to  Hansi

yes hansi .. it is a slang term for self pleasuring and is a great insult used in all sorts of situations .. the “orange man” leader of your house of reps is a wanker for example .. cheers

Jorie Pacli
02/04/2011 23:03

I like it! This is something unique from you Alan… and I’m impressed! The photo is stunning too…. Buy I’m intrigued with that photo at your sidebar~~~~> there~~~~> that one with that big boobs…. mwahahahah…. It is distracting me…LOL

03/04/2011 07:39
Reply to  Jorie Pacli

a kiss back to you in gratitude jorie .. big cheers as well .. 😉

flim flam sam
02/04/2011 20:49

Oh my [insert supernatural being or other entity here based upon your religious beliefs] !

these are crazy. lol.

03/04/2011 07:37
Reply to  flim flam sam

your etc – is now aware of your joy, so am i – thanks

02/04/2011 20:25

Very good. Made me smile this morning.

03/04/2011 07:33
Reply to  Marty

thanks marty .. 😉

Mary Hudak-Collins
02/04/2011 13:05

LMAO!! Definitely needed that to end my night:) Thanks!

03/04/2011 07:32

cheers mary .. i try to help put you my dear reader, at rest before bed .. 🙂

02/04/2011 12:44

Funny stuff… I have no Goldfish. oops gave it away.
Thanks A

02/04/2011 12:47
Reply to  Alejandro

i can’t say anything, neither do i … 😉

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