Some old jokes

It’s time for some old jokes from the old site, it’s a slow day, relaxing but slow. A bit like the Local Government situation here in my part of the world. Oh well, it’s only going to get better.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You’re in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the “birds and bees:” talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you

Stress Management

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world”.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater.

8. See! You’re smiling already!

Do you own a Goldfish

Two builders, Chris and James are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris – I reckon he’s an accountant.
James – No way – he’s a stockbroker.

Chris – he aint a stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris – S’cuse me mate. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit – No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris – Oh! What’s that then?
Suit – I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris – Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit – Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Chris – It’s in a pond!
Suit – Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit – Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris – As it happens I’ve got a five bedroom house, built it myself!
Suit – Well given that you’ve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are probably married?
Chris – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris – Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris – Never.

Suit – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Chris – How’s that then?

Suit – Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!
Chris – I see! That’s pretty impressive, thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James – I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris – Yep! He’s a logical scientist!
James – What’s that then?

Chris – I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James – Nope.
Chris – Well then, you’re a wanker.