A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

You are nuts so I have to leave

Reading Time: 2 minutesAlrighty then – I wait. I sit here waiting, indeed I spend my whole freak’n life waiting. Waiting for what, you ask, well I hope you do. I wait for my alien buddies to come and take me home. I’m sick and tired of putting up with you humans, you’re a bunch of weirdos, freaks and numb nuts. Not all nuts of course, some nuts feel just fine. You are so nuts so I have to leave.

It’s the incessant ramblings of my fellow inhabitants of this so called Earth that make me to want to go home. My home planet is warm, sunny, no politicians and everyone’s a multi millionaire. We have a working class who are grown to do our biding and conduct their affairs, and even have some with us – if they’re still in good nick. The older ones do things like cook, clean floors, walls, ovens and grills, cut hair and wash cars. The younger ones model fine clothes, drive us about, while some drive us all the way. Some even wash cars while wearing their swimming outfits.

The humans I’ve met lately and especially talked with today were really a varied bunch, somewhat dim, lacked a sense of questioning and were completely brainless. I can’t identify which were which of course, but I know who you are and your card is marked. The only redeeming feature is that you will get the sludge of a public office bearer you promoted and in some cases worked for.

There is one particularly dim witted mullet who can’t grasp the parking of his shit box car in the designated car spaces. In between the lines and all the way in, i.e. don’t have your fat arsed bum sticking out in the way of other vehicles. Oh and by the way good luck with your future career, it won’t be as an elected representative, that’s for sure.

Some of the future elected representatives were out for the last two weeks at the pre polling booths. Those confused and incredibly naive individuals with their brainless followers were like seagulls at the beach. Along came a human and whack they’re up and running, flapping, squawking and screeching at the poor soul, thinking that their behaviour would sway their vote. The shit they left all over the place could also be described as normal seagull behaviour.

Alright – when do my friends arrive and what will I wear, I’m used to wearing clothes after my time here on earth. What will they think of my current psychical condition? My music is loaded on my iPhone, iMac ( yes it’s coming with me ), my iPod and I’ll be off then.

I might be back, it depends of the grand poo bar of my home planet. If she doesn’t like my newly absorbed fat globules, I might be returned back to spread my joy with you dear reader. I’m frightened to think that I might have to ask …”take me to your leader”

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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Melissa Robbins
Melissa Robbins
07/04/2019 08:18

I support your idea of selecting the politicians randomly. Maybe that may be a better way to ensure that they are competent and up to the task they have been assigned, without feeling like it is a comfort zone for them.

07/04/2019 08:18

cheers baldy – i’ll be looking at the post box hoping that might happen .. until then we’ve a new batch and some of the old. sad days indeed .. 😉

28/04/2012 22:17

Great post mate. Politicians the world other ;( I think it should just be a people randomly selected like for jury. A letter through the door announcing your prime minister for the next year etc.

Melissa Robbins
Melissa Robbins
09/05/2012 15:54
Reply to  baldychaz

I support your idea of selecting the politicians randomly. Maybe that may be a better way to ensure that they are competent and up to the task they have been assigned, without feeling like it is a comfort zone for them.

07/04/2019 08:18

it sure is a mad mad world, and i’ll soon be able to get round it in 80 days. although i’m not sure anne, whether the game is up, it just keeps getting messier .. this was an alarming news item this morning – http://www.goldcoast.com.au/article/2012/04/28/411225_city-council-election.html – so the seagulls have a job to do. btw it’s pissing down here, it will be a soggy task for most of the great unwashed.

Anne Brown
28/04/2012 00:58

it’s a mad world, the people are mad, the entire society is bonkers, nobody knows anything anymore because we learn a little about that and a little about this, so nobody learns anything that means anything for anybody, why do you think you need to vote? nobody cares what you think, it’s completely pointless, i don’t care where you live, the disease is everywhere, who cares if you get better parking when everyone is driving in their sleep, even if we can steer a car, that’s no accomplishment when people can’t even take care of their bodies and they can’t focus for more than a minute, the game is up and the joke is we were never playing

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