A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

My lens will be bigger

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I have a sincere and biological hatred for the industry that is paparazzi, gossip and celebrity bullshit that seems to permeate our daily lives. I tried to keep this rubbish out of my content I realised that it is everywhere, but my lens will be bigger.

I’ve had this idea for a bleedingly long time, that the world of the mega rich, real celebrity and those (not) famous for being:

  • drunk,
  • drugged,
  • exhibitionist,
  • nominated as a presidential running mate,
  • just plain stupid – isn’t that the same thing !! ( sarah palin of course )
  • a participant on a reality tv show
  • having a manager arranging for the candid real life shots for you !!

Should engage my services to rid the planet of this evil, black heartened thing and cleanse our world of the harsh words, pictures and rumours being spread in the name of news and public interest. Do you realise that I’m sitting here in a completely inappropriate outfit for public broadcast – does that piqué your interest or disgust you, do you want to see what I’m like – click here to look !!

The newspaper, magazine online world is full of this shit – posing as news or interesting material. well the idea goes like this…the gang of real celebs, those who can handle not being followed by 300 drug crazed digital photographers at all hours of the day, can assign a measly budget to a “anti-pap-squad”. Fees will be posted soon.

I will coordinate this group once the money has been deposited into my company account. The manifesto of the soon to be registered “anti-pap-squad” will be:

  • Chase down all evil paparazzi
  • Follow them and their families to the ends of the earth
  • Take photos (well – yeah !!)
  • Record their conversations (hell yeah !!)
  • Co-ordinate private investigators (employed by “an anti-pap squad”)
  • Publish reports and photographs outlining their illegal, morally corrupt, dubious activity
  • If none is really occurring, insinuate that there must be some hidden
  • Target candid, cellulite, no make up, balls scratching, wedgie removing photos and that’s just of their mothers
  • Be completely ruthless and justify the process as it being in the public’s, right and need to know
  • And this the most important rule of the manifesto – target magazine editors, blog authors, gossip columnists and any other vultures preying on the private life of others, i.e. making ordinary lives, our news….ensure that they get special attention.

This most important part of this fantasy of mine is the fact that everybody has a job and then a private life off the job, let’s consider that the no talents chase and crave the paparazzi attention, they’ll die off as the nature of gossip fodder runs out of favour, because the materials dry up……in fact !  You the audience of such crap should refuse to purchase, view or download anything that vaguely resembles gossip.

Please check this out or if you want to see just how freak’n bad this situation is check out one of the better known dickhead culprits. Yes, I know i’m helping to promote his blog, what can I say I need the backlink.

Well, here endeth the sermon, I’m off to register my new domain and business name, I’ll post the deposit details as soon as I can arrange it.

p.s. – There is someone creeping around at my front door with a camera right now, I’m off to get a photo of them and then call my manager.

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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28/01/2011 01:02

Well said – love the links especially the dancing ‘fat’ man. Perez Hilton would be top of my list to be flung into the far never ending reaches of oblivion. His content is cheap, nasty, uninteresting and opportunist. Unlike yours which is smart, funny and food for thought 🙂

28/01/2011 07:33
Reply to  SJ

oblivion is too good for them, pity that one of the worst is that fat ugly australian ;( .. cheers sj

08/06/2010 12:56

Thank you for following my blog on Google Friend Connect.

I have also followed your interesting blog Let's keep in touch.


07/06/2010 04:16

Holden Caulfield hates this bunch of phonies of too..Nice one.

07/06/2010 04:22
Reply to  posercorpse

thanks posercorpse – but i'm not sure who at the cauflield holden dealership would be concerned about the paps, but i like your style..cheers

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