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I have a sincere and biological hatred for the industry that is paparazzi, gossip and celebrity bullshit that seems to permeate our daily lives. I tried to keep this rubbish out of my content I realised that it is everywhere, but my lens will be bigger.

I’ve had this idea for a bleedingly long time, that the world of the mega rich, real celebrity and those (not) famous for being:

• drunk,
• drugged,
• exhibitionist,
• nominated as a presidential running mate,
• just plain stupid – isn’t that the same thing !! ( sarah palin of course )
• a participant on a reality tv show
• having a manager arranging for the candid real life shots for you !!

Should engage my services to rid the planet of this evil, black heartened thing and cleanse our world of the harsh words, pictures and rumours being spread in the name of news and public interest. Do you realise that I’m sitting here in a completely inappropriate outfit for public broadcast – does that piqué your interest or disgust you, do you want to see what I’m like – click here to look !!

The newspaper, magazine online world is full of this shit – posing as news or interesting material. well the idea goes like this…the gang of real celebs, those who can handle not being followed by 300 drug crazed digital photographers at all hours of the day, can assign a measly budget to a “anti-pap-squad”. Fees will be posted soon.

I will coordinate this group once the money has been deposited into my company account. The manifesto of the soon to be registered “anti-pap-squad” will be:

• Chase down all evil paparazzi
• Follow them and their families to the ends of the earth
• Take photos (well – yeah !!)
• Record their conversations (hell yeah !!)
• Co-ordinate private investigators (employed by “an anti-pap squad”)
• Publish reports and photographs outlining their illegal, morally corrupt, dubious activity
• If none is really occurring, insinuate that there must be some hidden
• Target candid, cellulite, no make up, balls scratching, wedgie removing photos and that’s just of their mothers
• Be completely ruthless and justify the process as it being in the public’s, right and need to know
• And this the most important rule of the manifesto – target magazine editors, blog authors, gossip columnists and any other vultures preying on the private life of others, i.e. making ordinary lives, our news….ensure that they get special attention.

This most important part of this fantasy of mine is the fact that everybody has a job and then a private life off the job, let’s consider that the no talents chase and crave the paparazzi attention, they’ll die off as the nature of gossip fodder runs out of favour, because the materials dry up……in fact !  You the audience of such crap should refuse to purchase, view or download anything that vaguely resembles gossip.

Please check this out or if you want to see just how freak’n bad this situation is check out one of the better known dickhead culprits. Yes, I know i’m helping to promote his blog, what can I say I need the backlink.

Well, here endeth the sermon, I’m off to register my new domain and business name, I’ll post the deposit details as soon as I can arrange it.

p.s. – There is someone creeping around at my front door with a camera right now, I’m off to get a photo of them and then call my manager.

Alan Crawford

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An increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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