A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

Some old material

Reading Time: 4 minutesI’m floundering about in a vacuum at the moment, unable to decide which part of the world deserves a spray, probably all of it. Here is some old material. In addition to rolling in the dough with a 25 dollar lotto win, today’s extravagant realisation is that there are too many issues for one little old me. Why is it that I seem to be turning into a Victor Meldrew type character? “I don’t believe it”. I’m grumpy and exuding enormous amount of bile, bad cheer, criticism, very small or exaggerated amounts of praise and complete disbelieve of anything going on around me. Is the world really full of stupid people with stupid decisions. It seems so. Why do they insist on involving me?

So here’s some really silly silliness from the old tbaoo site.

True story … yes? / no?

On the 20th of July 1969, as Commander of the Apollo Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon, thats one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind, this statement was televised and heard and replayed to millions. But just before he re-entered the Lander he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr Gorsky Many people at NASA thought it was a casual comment regarding a rival Cosmonaut, however upon checking there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.Over the years many people questioned Neil as to what the Good luck Mr Gorsky statement meant, but always Neil just smiled. On the 5th July 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, whilst answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question.

This time he finally responded, as Mr Gorsky had died, Neil felt he could answer the question.In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball into a neighbours yard by the bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he lent down to pick up the ball he overheard Mrs Gorsky shout, Oral Sex, You want Oral Sex? You’ll get Oral Sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!

Helpful tips

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

A thought

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Words of wisdom.

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

23) You never ever run out of salt.

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

25) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

26) Bricks are horrible to carry.

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

28) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.

29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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