A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

Space Palace Adventure – 2

Reading Time: 12 minutesAs you teetered down the corridors, you came across the rather odd eyes. They were the openings to which the ships computer adjusted those things that needed adjusting. In this space palace adventure the eyes were everywhere, they watched, heard and dealt with anything that wandered about, human or machine. In addition to the eyes, each wall along these access corridors exuded an odour, not dissimilar to a footballer’s change room, or to be more precise, the laundry basket of such a place that had been missed for a few weeks.

It was also a life threatening event if you ever got lost in these corridors. The computer regularly checked for unwanted things and if it somehow thought it didn’t want you, which happened far too often, it would eject you from the palace.

It happened to Moony once, but he was able to argue his right of presence and managed to convince the computer that he should remain. The rather crapulous lighting and connected wiring in these out of human areas was also a dangerous concern. The wiring was alive and it was always on a search for new materials. If you slowed down too much or in the name of the company stopped, it would have you. Not in a nice way either, it would rip you apart and absorb what bits it had just created. Nasty stuff and the remaining three humans did not wish to die that way, so they kept moving about, at an alarmingly pace.

Trevor Nubleous had designed the palace with scrupulous attention to detail and all of the nasty side of things were deliberate, he had a secret to hide and the unpleasant nature of the non human parts were designed to keep the nosey buggers away. If they slowed down they might learn a little something, so that’s why the wiring was created to rip them a new one and then absorb the evidence. Moony did as he was told, but when he calmed down he wondered where Carol and Robert had got to.

Carol sat in the dark and wondered whether she’s escaped the eyes and that terribly violent and live wiring that had attacked her. The wiring caught the faux Moony, ( i.e the clone of Robert that looked like Moony ) in such a way that it really swept Carol up in to a whirlwind of wonder and awe. It also pushed her three corridor sections away during the frenzied attack on the clone. That saved her life.

The long tentacles of death had grabbed the clone and searched for the mouth. As the clone construction had inadvertently switched the mouth and anus about, the wiring paused for a second at the head and while not knowing what was confronting it, continued on it’s preprogrammed search for the mouth. It thought that the best and easiest was to simply force it’s way down through the opening in the head and find the mouth that way. Unfortunately for the clone, and for Carol as she watched this evisceration, it searched for the mouth by engorging it’s way down it’s digestive tract, entering the topside heading for the backside.

This messy process only got worse when it found the mouth and realised that it had gone the wrong way so it returned back from whence it came and made the whole hole that much wider. The sadly confused wiring had carried out this u turn about 5 times before the clone could withstand no more, in fact not only couldn’t it stand, it had become a pool of the goopy resin that makes up the clone flesh and a pile of the electronics that the wiring had no use for. A shinny pile of unwanted life in a metallic form.

Carol had to figure out what to do

She had to run, hide, give up or fight. As it turned out Moony offered the answer and a way out. The public address system was remarkable on the space palace, it had a targeted audience feature that would automatically locate the intended recipient and broadcast the message there. It didn’t matter which or who, it changed it’s system to meet the need. Carol’s good fortune was that Moony had sent out a broadcast and as the local wiring had made such a meal of the clone, it was a mess.

The ships automatic eye system in trying to carry out it’s normal duties suddenly determined that the messy wiring, the flesh resin and the spare electrics wriggling in a thriving mess on the floor was unwanted and it simply targeted it, sent it to the disposal section and ejected the whole bloody thing out into the black. Carol was suddenly free to explain her presence and when the eyes had it, she answered Moony call.

“What the fuck is going on Moony ?”

“Well there you are – where’s Robert ?”

Carol had now idea as to Robert’s location, she didn’t want to know and simply didn’t care.

“Please come to the main control Carol, we’ve a message from Mumblet and I have some very sexy news”.

Of course Carol wasn’t feeling particularly sexy, in fact that would be the last thing she was feeling just now. She was covered in a slime, a visual image and a smell that would take many years to wash off. She wondered whether she could ever feel sexy again.

Moony had sent out his broadcast for both Carol and Robert and sat waiting like a young man being taken to a pleasure module for the first time. Not for Robert’s response of course but for Carol, he was ordered to breed, have sex, dance the horizontal folk dance, rub ugly bits and just plain old fornicate with the lady of all ladies – Carol.

Gee it was going to be fun, but after so long it might not be fun for that long. Again he say’s to himself, again with the lack of performance line, he should be more confident and less smutty and find a clean uniform to put on, so that when it comes off, it won’t set off the hygiene alarms.

One of the annoying, yet somewhat exciting features in inheriting the title of the “odd knob who blogs” was that Moony had to learn the bass guitar. This quaint term described an ancient musical instrument from earth that had a number of strings stretched over a section of wood called a neck, that fit snugly into a larger piece with knobs in it, labeled a body. His was black and had four strings and one neck, but nowadays bass guitars had eighteen strings and three necks.

In 2030 a new musical theory was invented or stolen as the scandal exposed, into requiring more strings and necks, the number of keys on a piano and the on-off and open-closed paddles on the weird range of brass instruments. The piano became the instrument of the obscenely wealthy, as no one had the space to house a piano. A planet had been re-occupied by Mumblet to build these creakingly big boxes with so many keys and strings.

Moony had never even listened to music prior to becoming the knob

He’d thought it a waste of time, even though time was able to be manipulated, he found no time to assign time to the flippant joy of music. Now though, he couldn’t get enough. Tbaoo had a long tradition of posting classic videos of the musical kind. In learning the bass, he thought, this choice of music may develop into new territory.

He might even make some of his own. The best thing he’d done was to start at the beginning, this old video was so much at the beginning he wondered if he’d still be alive at the end, he started and the start started with an “e”, an open “e” at that.

Now where’s that wanker Robert, Carol’s on here way and I don’t want to be interrupted by Robert when and if he gets here. Moony chatted to himself a lot these days. Now in 4/4 time. Http://Youtu.Be/w7xdgihzro4 was where a found a lesson video and he watched it over and over again. It was 21.45 and Moony sat there staring at the communications module.

It sat there as well although it didn’t know any different, it didn’t have any legs of wheels with which to move it’s self about. So if it could be described so, it just sat there. Having Moony staring at it didn’t really bother it either as all of the beings in all of the places, happened to stare at it and it’s cousins.

Moony was waiting for 22.00 Hours and the follow up broadcast from Trevor Nubleous. The dog part of him really spooked Moony, he’d had a dog as a child and it looked so much like Trevor it was freaky. Had Moony known that his dog actually was an ancestor of Trevor’s he’d be even more freaked out.

“Moony you dip shit, what’s going on ?”

Carol was sounding just a little pissed, not drunk as some used to say, but angry as the older generation Americans used to drawl. She had good reason but Moony had yet to hear just what that reason was.

“We’ve had a message broadcast and we’ve loads of things to do – we have to wait another fifteen minutes for another, can you please get up here to the funnel.”

Many years ago they used to call this area the Bridge, but Mumblet decided that funnel suited its design mantra a bit better. The funnel was cylindrical, incredibly huge, white with splashes of light blue and was covered with that much equipment, they all fought for space. The end result was the human inhabitants only had enough space to sit, and the walkway wide enough to get to this seated position. There were three seats, one for each human.

The droidy things had a module of their own, they crammed them in like meat, 8 on top of each other and they voluntarily rotated the bottom position. A bit like like those wonderful old penguins on earth protecting them from the weather. Indeed some of the droids looked like penguins, fat, short stubby arms and longs legs ( instead of wings or claws ) and they had a predilection for fish paste. The more malodorous the better.

Ok, i’m here .. Stammered Carol.”

“Why do they have tasks for us ? we’re the forgotten space palace in the stars.”

She didn’t rate very highly on the Mumblet scale of valuable employees, she was two steps higher on the shitcan of the lowest register, but still higher than Moony.

“What do they want ?”

“Don’t worry i’ve scanned the last message for you, and here come the beeps of the follow up one now. It‘s from Trevor Nubleous again so it really must be important.”

Moony had no idea as to why he, Carol and the wanker were being given such seemingly important things to do, but as the wanker had been placed in the stretching chamber it all came down to captain Moony, fuck that sounded good, captain Moony. Yes sir captain Moony he broadcast to himself and in his latest tbaoo.com post.

The huge, planet sized blog audience of tbaoo had become used to Moony’s ramblings, seemingly honest, sneeringly cynical style. He had to continue in the vein that had developed over the 120 years. Go boldly as the star trek captains used to say with such bravado. Moony had no such bravado, but he did have the publish button.

Carol looked over the list that Moony had created for her and laughed at the chicken scrawl he’d inserted over the list. That was until she got to items 5 and 6.

“No fucking way” .. She screamed out loud.

  • Collect all of the indigenous population from the face of the planet.
  • Place them in the dna adjustment machine and select the long term storage mode.
  • Set coordinates for “trumular 7” where the fuck is that and how do i do that ?
  • Capture the previous captain – Robert walker and place him in the stretching chamber.
  • Have sex with any of the fertile female crew, our records show there is one left, designated as Carol. yahoo and yippee !!
  • Place the resulting “instant oen” into the storage tube and set for maturation. fantastic
  • note – under no circumstances are you to use the gestation machine. ? ?
  • Shave that ridiculous facial hair and have a haircut. still to do
  • Clean your cabin and remove all personal possessions. still to do
  • Be standing by and ready for further details which will be sent at 22.00 hours. waiting

This was not the courtship strategy Moony had planned for, it was forced upon him by Trevor. Maybe his comments could have been a slight more subtle, but he was no good at being subtle. He was after all a little dim. Keen, sometimes a little cowardly, but dim. Deep down in the corridors, the eyes have it. They saw the crumbling beast come out from behind the panel from 78 angles.

The beastly creature came out from its slumber, outwardly angry and seeking revenge, but it really only needed to evacuate its version of a bladder.

It had been in a deep slumber for 40 years and really needed a relaxing wee like thing. There was so much waste built up inside this creature, folklore still talks of the force in which it’s evacuation pushed the space palace out of its balanced position in orbit. It was also very, very loud, the humans heard the waterfall sounds before they felt the jolt.

All of the eyes looked away so there are no visual records, just the richter scale, yes it was still used, but not normally utilised to record the shock waves of a creature weeing for 20 minutes. Once the ship had interrogated this huge amount of wee like liquid and determined that it was unnecessary, it got rid of it.

The ship then turned on the creature. in a voice not unlike Michael Jackson from the 20th century, it asked:

“Who are you ?”

“What are you doing here ?”

“Are there any other waste actions you’re likely to take soon ?”

“What are your intentions ?”

“Do you know why i speak in such a child like girly voice ?” .. it asked that one to everyone it questioned.

The creature was at a disadvantage, it couldn’t speak and could only grunt a guttural groan in response. the real reason for the visit would become clear when a small block of computer chips in the shape of a banana squeezed out from it’s underarm. the eyes saw it, the ship heard it and being immediately satisfied, let the creature on it’s preordained way. it’s way was going to be the real way, the Mumblet way and therefore the only way.

Robert the wanker suddenly opened his eyes, farted and heard the stretching machine speak to him, just to him and none-one else. it warned him of the creature’s arrival and observed in quite glowing terms that Robert had never looked better. Robert’s predilection of having sex with a varied assortment of machines might actually do him good in this very frightening time.

The time was 22.00

22.00 is here and the message beeping had intensified as the time got closer and so did Moony’s heartbeat, as Carol gently snuggled up close to read the screen. She smelt kinda funny but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was.

“Attention employees Brown and Schubert … your lives are in danger.” “You must retreat to the smouldering module and get on with the breeding.”

“Hide there until you hear the all clear alarm sound off.”

“Go there now and don’t look down or travel along corridors seven through to eighteen.”

“When the all clear alarm has run it’s pentatonic scale, bring your stupid assess up to the funnel and ensure the course is set for trumular 7. Make sure you’ve completed the other items on the list.”

“Brown – when the breeding has finished, don’t forget the clean up and shave – see items 8 & 9.”

“Schubert – make sure you access the correct storage tube and maturation settings, the company’s future depends on it.”

Wow, why would an instant oen from our loins be some sort a hero for the shity company ?

Moony wondered himself what the fuck that last bit of the message meant .. I don’t know, it’s very strange, this whole space palace in the stars trip. Remember – the Palace was only supposed to be orbiting Mars, it wasn’t supposed to be sent so far out and for so long. He was rather excited about the breeding part so he simply mumbled … let’s go, let’s get funky, how the hell are we going to avoid corridor nine ?

What the dog man Trevor didn’t realise when he set all this up, is that the palace was at this moment in a state of repair and remodelling, from the inside out. Corridor nine was the only access open to Carol and Moony.

They had to be very quick and as it turned out very lucky to get to the funky sweaty part. The creature having had relieved itself was stalking the corridors seven through to eighteen. It was looking for the small plastic nano film that Trevor had left for it all those years ago.

This strip would allow it to control the palace and divert it to trumular 7 if the stupid employees failed or in the case of their ultimate demise, take care of instead of. The creature who was called Kevin by it’s creators, only had one mission and could or would not let any one or thing, get in it’s way. Find the film, get it to the funnel and place it onto the navigation screen.

The organic nano bits would do the rest and set the coordinates if indeed they weren’t already. Kevin did wonder though why it was necessary to be so freak’n big and scary when all it had to do was walk a few hundred meters and to accomplish this simple task. Kevin nearly didn’t notice the distraction even when it became one.

The other thing that Trevor hadn’t thought or realised could happen, was that the ship had developed a bit of a quirk and decided that like “al” from that very famous old classic film 2001 space odyssey, it was aiming to control itself according to it’s understanding of the rules. Head scientist Carol Schubert and the now designated captain Moony brown were tolerable but the palace was very glad the wanker Robert was now under it’s control ( or so it thought ) in the stretching chamber. Suddenly it sensed a large unwanted presence lurking along corridor nine.

Carol had grabbed her feminine needs, Moony grabbed some wine and a towel and off they went down corridor nine. All was going along very nicely until they saw the corridor doors collide into the bulk heads at an alarming rate, faster then they could ever hope to get through them .. Bang, whish, bang, whish, bang and on it went all the way down for as far as they could see.

They only had to get to the smouldering module and it was two bulk heads away. At only one bulk head away, a bulk of a slimy hairy and angry mass appeared from the side tube and it looked pissed. It was oblivious to them as it walked into the corridor and seemed to be meandering with a mission to the furthest point.

“Will we make it to bulk head five without it seeing us ?”

“I hope so, please keep you voice down, it might have ears… or something like them to hear us.”

“Don’t tell me to be quite you big knob who blogs, we have to try and sneak into the module.”

They managed to make it to the door mechanism just as Kevin turned around, they didn’t know he was called Kevin, hey they didn’t even know he was a he. They didn’t care about such things as the whish and bang managed to occur in the nick of time, just as Kevin lunged at them a second or two too late. The plan Trevor had planned had a flaw or three – the repairs, the crew being alive and that Kevin had woken a bit too early .. Even Trevor would learn to realise that needing a wee in the morning is enough to get anything out of its pit. They were in … let the sex begin.

Part three

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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