A little of this and a bit more

Alan Crawford presents twisted short and some longer stories for adults, with quite a number of his rants and observations as well.

Several curious people, really it’s just one, asked me how or where the ideas came from. Thankfully there’s no clear answer. When the trousers, mind, or weather conditions suit such things, the computer opens, a page appears, and it starts to flow. All designed to promote my nonsense, which may be adult in nature but not necessarily mature.

tbaoo is not feeling well

Reading Time: 2 minutesDear reader, please remain seated, of course you are, unless you’re standing on a train, bus, ferry or even in the queue for the loo on an aircraft, you are reading this deliberate outpouring of my deepest darkest secrets. I’m going to number them, for no other reason other than it’s easier for me to keep track of.

Here we go:

  1. Aching foot, left side or if you’re looking at me, the right side. It gives me jip and sometimes hurts like “hell” no it’s not gout see number 2.
  2. Gout, I’m told that the pain, which is excruciating, can be described as being similar to a pregnant woman passing a wheelchair.
  3. My right knee, it’s where the gout appears as well as a big toe. I tore something many years ago and it’s not healed well.
  4. My fallen arches are also giving me some grief. my entire skeletal frame is out of whack.
  5. My left shoulder and arm, no it’s not heart related, I’ve had it checked, but shit it’s sore, I can’t wave my arms around like I used to be able to, you should have seen me gesticulating around the place. I always felt very gesticulatory (my favourite word, who knew I could get it into a post).
  6. My teeth, what’s left of them, they were so good, and so bad and many have gone missing, replaced by wondrous frames and design.
  7. My nose, well this is a whopper, not just the size but the fact I can’t breath through it. If I was kidnapped and they put a bit of gaffer tape over my mouth I’d die.
  8. My eyes, well I wear spectacles and seem to require an extra strength every two years.
  9. My wrist, I smashed it in a motorcycle accident in 1980 odd and it never healed as it should have despite the less than adequate medical attention I was offered.
  10. My back, spineless sometimes but that’s not what I mean, it’s getting harder to get up without serious moaning on my part.
  11. Alzheimer’s disease, I think that’s what it is. I can’t remember a freak’n thing.
  12. I’m getting fatter, belly and chin and it’s frightening.
  13. Last one I promise, my mental capacity to waffle on, exaggerate, demand attention and combined with obsessive compulsive disorder makes this blogging lark a good fit.

Ok, so there we go, I’ll try and remember some more as time goes by. I’m sorry but who are you ?

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I'm an increasingly grumpy old fart posting rants, observations and trying to write somewhat twisted short and slightly longer stories for adults. All rights reserved unless otherwise credited © Alan Crawford - 2024

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08/02/2011 20:23

I have an achy breaky heart if that helps you. But don’t tell him, I just dont think’ll understand. 🙂

08/02/2011 20:28
Reply to  Tork

it helps a lot tork .. thank you 😉

Jorie Pacli
08/02/2011 10:59

Alan, I’ve got kissperin and hugstasia fo your pains… Should you want them call me and I’ll come running…hehehehe

08/02/2011 17:15
Reply to  Jorie Pacli

cheers jorie – same back at you 😉

08/02/2011 09:21

Oh dear, dear blogging friend,
I’m so sorry to read about your pain. I just found out when I checked BlogFarm and I pray you’ve come to no harm. I must be reading Dr. Seuss a lot as I’m starting to sound like one of his …plots. 😉
Do hold on my friend and find some humor in your pain and know that we send you good cheer and a get well wishes chain … well, an imaginary healing chain! 🙂

08/02/2011 17:14
Reply to  ElizOF

thank you very much elizof .. i do appreciate your good wishes .. 🙂

Jessica Brant
08/02/2011 05:54

OUCH, It must be such a pain (no pun intended) to live in pain like that. If I could take your pain away I would:(

08/02/2011 06:37
Reply to  Jessica Brant

thanks Jessica, at last someone who cares .. 🙂

08/02/2011 05:52

I’ll swap your bad leg and back for my bad neck and shoulder, scrap that you can have my bad elbow and broken collar bone, no scrap that – book a ticket lets go heal in Haiwai 😀

08/02/2011 06:36
Reply to  SJ

too much fun, it might hurt – thanks for the offer sj … 😉

Lady Estrogen
08/02/2011 03:33

Sounds like it’s time to trade you in for a newer model. 😉

08/02/2011 06:34
Reply to  Lady Estrogen

yes lady e, a common statement at the house of tbaoo ..

08/02/2011 01:44

Except for the gout, that sounds like every ailment that I’m suffering from too. Except, because I live in the Northern Hemisphere, they are all on the opposite side of the body than yours:)

08/02/2011 06:32
Reply to  Hansi

oh, but i forgot my brain hurts as well .. 😉

Mary Hudak-Collins
07/02/2011 22:23

My father has had gout for years…oooh, so painful and your joints swell twice your normal size! I’m empathize with your pain. I would go on a roll here about the Chew4Health multi-vitamin, but I won’t because I’m not a pushy person, you can always search the group on fb if interested.
Really Alan, eat more vegies and fresh fruits, don’t drink and drive…oops, meant don’t drink and smoke, don’t do drugs, smile frequently, flirt continuously, and if all else fails…smash a part of your body that isn’t hurting and you will forget about all the other aches and pains for awhile:)

08/02/2011 06:14

thanks mary .. i have the gout under control now, drugs it’s always the drugs, and i do smile a lot. hang on i’ll go off and whack myself now … cheers

07/02/2011 19:57

weren’t you living in Paris at one time? I believe I saw or rather heard you ringing a bell at odd hours of the night.
Yes, Now I remember! In Notre Dame! How are you Quasi????

Cheers A

07/02/2011 20:08
Reply to  Alejandro

yes, but i’ve lost a few pounds since then .. 😉

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